A list of simple ways you can be a better friend to the people you care about most (including close friends, family members, and romantic partners):
INTERACTION
– Avoid devices: don’t use your phone when with your friends
– Give focus: try to focus fully and completely on what your friend is telling you and, if you are momentarily distracted, return your full focus to your friend as soon as you notice that your attention has wandered
– Rephrase for understanding: if your friend says something complex or hard to understand, repeat it back in your own words to make sure you understood
– Validate excitement: when you can tell that a friend is excited about something, ask a lot of questions about it so that they get the pleasure of talking about it at length
-Relive experiences: when a friend describes a positive life experience, try to relive it with them as though you were there when it happened (i.e., try to experience the emotions they feel about it)
– Greet warmly: at the moment when you greet a friend, try to channel all your positive feelings towards them, so they know you are truly happy to see them and that you care
– Understand surprises: if a friend does or says something that surprises you, ask them to explain their behavior so that you can better predict what they’ll do in the future
TIME
– Stay in touch: if one of your closest friends doesn’t live nearby, try to either plan visits or video calls or both; otherwise, a long time can go by without interacting
– Hangout in groups: when strapped for time, try to schedule group events to see more of your friends more often (i.e., when you don’t have enough time to schedule one on one hangouts with everyone); that way, you don’t have too much time elapse before seeing friends
– Hangout alone: hang out one on one with your close friends at least some of the time (don’t get in the habit of only hanging out in groups, as it doesn’t usually facilitate the same depth of connection)
– Plan retreats: plan trips with your friends where you spend a couple of days straight (or more) together
– Create a community: introduce your closest friends to each other on multiple occasions (e.g., by inviting them out together or by hosting dinners or events) so that some of them become friends too, and ideally, so that you all find yourselves hanging out together
– Befriend their partners: take the time to really get to know their long term romantic partners, and make an effort to forge connections with them too
THOUGHTFULNESS
– Share nice thoughts: if you happen to think something nice about your friend at a random moment, text the nice thing to them
– Give compliments: at least occasionally tell your friends what you think is awesome about them (in detail if you can); they’ll likely really appreciate hearing it
– Express caring: at least occasionally tell your closest friends that you really care about them, in whatever way they would be most receptive to hearing it
– Give surprise presents: if you see something small at a store that you think a friend would love, buy it for them and surprise them with it
– Send cool stuff: if you see a cool thing online that you think your friend would love, send it to them
– Remember occasions: remember your friends’ birthdays and other important life events (e.g., put it as an event in your calendar to help you remember) and call them or write them a note when these events occur
– Reschedule quickly: if you have to cancel plans with a friend, then immediately reschedule the plan (rather than leaving them hanging open) and try to let your friend know about the cancelation with as much notice as possible (also: try not to cancel frequently)
– Remember on trips: when you go traveling, send your friends photos during or after
– Apologize: if you are irritable with a friend when he or she didn’t deserve it, or you did something unfair to a friend, admit it immediately and apologize; accepting full responsibility
– Explain how you work: if you have personal quirks or triggers that people who are close to you can benefit from knowing about, tell your close friends so that they can better model you and so that they know how to make you happier
– Forgive one-off mistakes: if a friend makes a mistake that you think they are unlikely to ever make again, just forgive them immediately
– Explain desired behavior: if a friend makes a mistake or does a thing that bothers you, and you think they might end up doing the thing again, tell them how the thing made you feel and how you would prefer they act in future situations like that one, then forgive them
– Avoid excessive negativity: try not to be TOO negative TOO often when the same friend is around, as it can inadvertently be a form of punishment for spending time together, which is not good for either of you
– Explain what you need: don’t assume your friends can read your mind about what you need or want; tell them if you need or want something
SUPPORT
– Reach out when they need it: if you know a friend is going through a hard time, reach out to them periodically (so they know you are there for them) rather than assuming they will reach out to you if they want your help
– Reach out when you need help: contact your friends when you need help with a difficult problem or need emotional support from them, don’t assume they will automatically know when you need their help
– Varied Support: if you are in a period where you’re frequently needing emotional support, try to spread that needed support among multiple friends if you can arrange things so that one doesn’t end up bearing all the weight of it
– Support the way they want: if a friend is telling you about a problem they are having, try to figure out if they desire empathy, validation, optimism, or problem-solving, and give them whichever of these they actually came to you for (rather than what YOU would want to be given in that situation)
– Delay judgment: if your friend does something that you have a judgmental reaction to, try to delay that reaction and take the time to ask questions to understand WHY your friend did that thing (the more you can relate to their reasons, the less judgmental you are likely to be)
– Express concern: gently express concern when your friend tells you about something they are doing that seems like it could be harmful or self-destructive (since encouraging harmful behavior is a harmful form of support, and harsh judgment is usually not helpful and may cause your friend not to tell you about those sorts of things in the future)
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