My new favorite conversational technique that I’d like to get better at, which I call “Boiling the Conversation”: Slowly and imperceptibly raise the unusualness or bizarreness level of the conversation so that you end up talking about something fascinating, fun, taboo, or deeply personal that people would almost never normally discuss (and that normally would be quite weird to just bring up), but without any jarring conversational transitions ever occurring!
You know you’ve done it well if everyone is having a good time, and at some point, someone exclaims in genuine confusion, “How on earth did we end up talking about this?”
It’s kind of like the saying “boiling the frog.” If you raise the temperature of the water slowly enough, the frog never notices (though unlike in the frog example, the weirdness is intended to be fun and interesting for everyone involved, not to cruelly and pointlessly boil a frog to death like some kind of deranged animal psychologist).
There are two ways of Boiling the Conversation that I know of:
(1) Have a bizarre conversation topic in mind that you think this group of people would really enjoy, and slowly nudge the conversation more and more in the general direction of that topic until eventually, you’re close enough to it to bring it up without it seeming weird (since it seems to be almost a natural extension of what you’re already discussing). If people change the topic, though, don’t push it; you have not succeeded, so try again with another group.
(2) Nudge whatever the current conversation topic is in a slightly (but imperceptibly) weirder direction. If you stick with it, you may be able to slowly push the conversation off the rails, especially if others in the conversation are riffing on what you’re saying. If people keep making it more normal, though, don’t push it; you have not succeeded, so try again with another group.
Of course, if you think the group you’re with will feel uncomfortable (or already is feeling uncomfortable) discussing the topic, you should not do this. So you have to read the room. And if you’re with a group of people who are sufficiently weirdness tolerant or up for talking about anything, you obviously don’t need to Boil the Conversation: you can just immediately bring up whatever you feel like talking about!
Important note: some people think they are good at this (subtly raising the weirdness quotient) when it’s actually jarring and obvious to those around them. This is part of (but not all of) why it’s important to stop if your attempt is not working (e.g., others change the topic or make the conversation more normal).
So why not jump straight into weird topics? After all, they can be a lot more fun than small talk or the standard things most people talk about most of the time.
Well, it’s because jumping straight to a weird or taboo topic with someone you don’t know well often produces some combination of them feeling confused, them feeling uncomfortable, them thinking you’re weird (in a bad way), them thinking you have bad social skills, or them worrying whether you may do other (potentially more unpleasant) unpredictable things.
By easing into it while being highly mindful of other people’s reactions, you may be able to make the conversation fun and interesting for all, without causing discomfort and without triggering alarm bells or causing people to perceive you negatively.
In many cases, people really are bored by the standard, routine conversational topics and would enjoy something really different – it’s just a question of how to get there!
This piece was first written on May 30th, 2018, and first appeared on this site on October 14th, 2021.
Comments