Here is a simple technique I really like using that I think can help us (a) better understand ourselves and (b) have more say over how we react in response to our emotions. I call it the “Inner Why” technique.
How to do it:
When you notice a sudden change in your emotional state (e.g., you start becoming anxious, sad, frustrated, or angry), immediately give yourself the best quick explanation you can for WHY you think that change in your emotions just occurred. The sooner you can do it after the emotional change, the better.
I suggest trying to make a habit of this technique because:
(i) It can help you better understand yourself, especially as you start noticing patterns of what causes your emotions to change.
(ii) It can make you more consciously aware of information that you previously only had subconscious awareness of (e.g., let’s say that before you automatically became nervous when Bob was around, but now with the technique, you are consciously aware of that nervousness around Bob, and also, have realized some things about why Bob makes your nervous).
(iii) It can help train you to become more aware of emotional shifts in general (including figuring out what emotion you’re feeling), and once you realize a shift is occurring, you have more control of what happens next (e.g., you can make a choice to “go with” the emotion, or take a deep breath, or leave for a few minutes, or reframe the situation, or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective, etc.)
(iv) It may help make it easier to communicate your feelings to others since it’s practice explaining what is behind your emotions.
(v) It can help you predict your future emotions better (once you better understand why they occur), which means you can pre-empt what might cause you to be mad, anxious, etc. and make plans to avoid situations that upset you, or better prepare yourself for those situations when it’s not a good idea to avoid them.
Here are some examples of how you might use the Inner Why technique:
(1) You’re in a conversation with a group of friends. When one of them mentions a fun road trip you had together, you suddenly notice yourself feeling sad. You ask yourself why that emotional shift happened, and you realize that it’s because you don’t feel nearly as close to that friend now as you did back when the road trip occurred. You realize you’re experiencing a sense of loss around that relationship. You decide to ask that friend to coffee so you can work on regaining that closeness.
(2) You’re talking to your partner, and he or she asks if you will go to a certain movie on Saturday night. You notice you are becoming angry. You ask yourself why and realize it’s because you think they should have been able to predict that you would hate that movie, and so you perceived that movie choice as a subtle way of saying your preferences don’t matter. It occurs to you now that your emotional reaction had a lot of assumptions baked into it. That makes you feel less angry. You then explain to your partner that you really don’t think you’d like that movie and suggest another one that you think you would both enjoy.
(3) You’re waiting in a long line at the store, and you notice that you’re feeling extremely frustrated. You ask yourself why and realize it’s because you have really been looking forward to relaxing at home (after a tough day at work) and thought you would be home by now. It then occurs to you that you can still relax waiting in line, so you put on some earbuds with relaxing music and take a few deep breaths.
Your theories about your emotional shifts won’t always be correct. And sometimes, you won’t be able to pinpoint a cause. But I think that trying to turn this technique into a habit is well worth the effort, and if you do, the technique will become easier over time. Plus, the faster you do the technique after an emotional change, the easier it is to do, because – chances are – very few things happened in the last few seconds (so there won’t be many options for what to attribute your emotional change to).
Emotions contain information. The question is: are you extracting it?
This essay was first written on October 5th, 2018, and first appeared on this site on October 22nd, 2021.
Comments