Conversation Etiquette – How Much to Talk

Have you noticed that people often talk more (or less) than their share in one-on-one conversations? What percent of the time should you talk when you are one-on-one with a close friend, acquaintance, or stranger? I ran a study to investigate that question using our Positly.com platform (n=143 participants in the US). See an image summarizing the results here:

You might think that introverts would want the other person to talk more of the time, and extroverts would prefer to talk more, but that does not seem to be the case. People reported being most optimistic about conversations where they and the other participant express themselves about equally. This was true for every type of relationship: close friends, acquaintances, and strangers. For the sake of simplicity, I marked someone as an introvert if they were in the top 50% of that Big 5 trait on a two-question scale and otherwise marked them as an extrovert).

So it seems your best bet is to try to talk about 50% of the time if you want to make the most positive impression on others. People reported feeling at least somewhat positively about conversations where the other person speaks 40%-60% of the time, so this seems to be a safe range to stay in.

Close friends seem to have a bit more leeway than acquaintances and strangers, with people still reporting at least a somewhat positive reaction if close friends talk 30%-70% of the time. With acquaintances and strangers, though, you’re better off sticking to the 40%-60% rule of thumb.

But regardless of the closeness of the relationship, and also regardless of whether the rater was more introverted or extroverted, people reported a negative reaction if the other person talks 80% or more of the time, or if the other person talks 20% or less of the time.

I would have assumed that over-talking is more annoying than under-talking, so I was surprised to find that over, and under-talking were viewed negatively to a fairly similar degree.

So if you often talk more than 80% of the time in conversations or less than 20% of the time, you’re probably making a negative impression without realizing it. Of course, there are exceptions depending on circumstances (e.g., if someone asks you to teach them something, or if you have a story you’re telling that you know the other person is interested in, or if you happen to know that the other person doesn’t like to talk much).

My anecdotal observation is that there are quite a lot of people who over-talk. But interestingly, only 2% of people said they tend to prefer talking more than the other person in a conversation, with 21% saying they tend to prefer talking *less* than the other person. To me, this suggests a lack of awareness (i.e., that people who over-talk do it without realizing it happens or enjoys it without realizing they enjoy it).

I should add: I think there are ways to do over-talking and under-talking very well, but that these are fairly rare. For instance, someone who many people find hilarious may produce a very positive reaction when substantially over-talking, and someone who asks a lot of really thoughtful questions that get the other person thinking may be delightful despite substantially under-talking.

When I find myself in a conversation with a person who won’t let me get a word in edgewise, I sometimes try to figure out why that’s happening.

I’ve observed five types of over-talking:

Excited over-talking: when the person is so enthusiastic about what they are saying that they don’t realize how long they’ve been talking for (e.g., someone talking about their fun new project).

Nervous over-talking: when a person feels uncomfortable letting the conversation stall even for a moment, so talks to fill up the space (e.g., someone with high anxiety entertaining their in-laws who they rarely see).

Narcissistic over-talking: when a person assumes that others just love to hear them talk, or when a person enjoys talking a lot and is indifferent to how others feel about this (e.g., a pompous celebrity that is used to everyone sucking up to them)

Expressive over-talking: when a person is feeling lonely or a lack of human connection in general or hasn’t had enough of an opportunity to talk about something they really want to talk to someone about (e.g., someone who has just gotten back from a monastery where speaking was forbidden).

Unaware over-talking: when a person isn’t properly reading how their conversational partner feels and thinks their partner is much more engaged than they really are, or simply hasn’t noticed that they’ve been talking for too long and that their conversation partner is getting annoyed (e.g., someone with weak facial reading skills).

So remember: if you want to make the most positive impression on others, try to generally talk no more than 60% of the time and no less than 40% of the time.