(co-authored with Kat Woods)
When a friend or loved one has something bad happen to them, what should you do to help them feel better? This question can be difficult to answer because it seems that at different times people want different things: empathy, problem-solving, optimism, distraction, and so on. See for instance this study where people give divergent answers about what they want from a friend after something bad happens.
We propose that there are four general states that a person may be in when something bad happens, and that knowing which of these states they are in can help you figure out how you can best comfort them. The key distinctions we draw here are that when something bad happens to you, at first you may not yet comprehend what’s happening, then you may feel bad but not yet want those emotions to go away. After that, you may be ready to start feeling better, and finally, you may want help with problem-solving. Often when you try to comfort somebody and it seems to make things worse, it’s because you are offering assistance that is best given at a different stage. For example, trying to cheer someone up when the person is still in a stage where they do not want to feel better yet or offering advice when they are still too upset to hear it.
Note that we are only considering non-emergency situations here, since emergencies require immediate action. Furthermore, note that while people do not always pass through all of these different states when something bad happens (so they are not really “stages” per se), when they do all occur, they tend to happen in a predictable order.
The Four States of Distress Model
State 1: Shocked or confused (you can help them understand what happened and how they feel about it)
Most common potential emotions: shock, confusion, surprise, fear, dread, denial
Example situation 1: your friend comes home from vacation and finds that their apartment is wrecked.
Example situation 2: your friend who thought their relationship was going great is suddenly dumped by their partner.
Strategies more likely to be helpful: :
- Active listening
- Helping to resolve confusion
- Expression of concern
- Validating their confusion
- Reflecting back to them your understanding of what they have said
Why: when something negative and unexpected occurs, we may need time to understand what actually happened and how we feel about it. A friend can help facilitate that process.
State 2: Feeling bad and not ready to feel better (you can help them express their feelings and feel validated)
Most common potential emotions: intense forms of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, contempt, guilt, jealousy
Example situation 1: your friend whose home was wrecked is feeling highly anxious about the expensive damages and furiously angry at the person whom they let stay there while they were gone
Example situation 2: your friend who was broken up with yesterday is feeling very sad about the loss of the relationship
Strategies more likely to be helpful:
- Active listening
- Empathy
- Validating their emotions
- Reflecting back to them your understanding of what they have said
- Help them get into a mind set where they are ready to feel better
Why: when we’re feeling strong negative emotions we may actually want to be feeling them. For instance, if someone we love dies, we likely will want to be sad about it for some period of time. Or if we are betrayed, we may well want to stay angry at the person for a while because we feel that anger is deserved.
State 3: Feeling bad but wants to feel better (you can help them feel better)
Most common potential emotions: intense to moderate forms of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, contempt, guilt, jealousy [same list as State 2]
Example situation 1: your friend whose home was wrecked is still feeling anxious about the cost of replacing their possessions and angry at the person who caused the damage, but they are sick of thinking about it all the time and want to move past it
Example situation 2: your friend who was broken up with still feels very sad about it, but wants to feel better, move on, and focus on the future
Strategies more likely to be helpful (though note that this section is especially person dependent, with different people having different Comfort Languages):
- Optimism, reframing (e.g., seeing it in a less negative light or finding a silver lining)
- Physical comforting (e.g., a hug)
- Validating their emotions
- Distraction (e.g., doing a fun activity)
- Helping them explore and understand their feelings
- Problem-solving (especially if there is a way to quickly fix much of the problem)
Why: after feeling bad for a while, at some point we are likely to get sick of those negative feelings and wish that we could feel better again. At that point a friend can help alleviate those negative feelings.
State 4: Feeling better and wants solutions (you can help them move forward past the problem)
Most common potential emotions: more manageable or minor forms of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, contempt, guilt, or jealousy
Example situation 1: your friend whose home was wrecked is feeling somewhat less bad about it, but now they want help figuring out how they are going to get their stuff replaced and whether they can get the guest who caused the damage to pay.
Example situation 2: your friend who was broken up with is feeling somewhat less bad about it and wants your help meeting someone new
Strategies more likely to be helpful (though your choice will depend on the person and your relationship to them)::
- Brainstorming solutions
- Problem solving
- Advice
- Volunteering your time to actually help on the solution
- Providing resources to help solve the problem
Why: when we’re feeling intensely bad, it’s often both difficult and unappealing to problem-solve. After we start to feel better, however, we may start to feel motivated to find a way to improve our situation. A friend can be very helpful at this point in helping us think through potential solutions or by volunteering to help directly.
So the next time a friend or loved one has had something bad happen to them, consider applying the The Four States of Distress Model by considering which of the four states they are likely in:
- Shocked or confused – you can help them figure out what happened and how they they are feeling
- Feeling bad and not ready to feel better – you can listen empathetically and validate their feelings
- Feeling bad but wants to feel better – you can help them feel better using their preferred Comfort Language
- Feeling better and wants solutions – you can help them figure out what to do
Comments