Seven simple but effective methods for improving your connection with others

Here are some of the most useful simple methods I’ve adopted for improving my connection with others (though I still have room for improvement):

1) When you like someone, greet them warmly, demonstrating with your face and body language that you like them.

2) Try your best to channel “interested attention” in conversations – where you give the other person your total focus while paying very close attention to what they are saying (and how they are saying it) and starting with the premise that they are saying something worth listening to.

3) When you disagree with a friend about something important, ask open-ended questions until you deeply understand their perspective, and if you still disagree, express that disagreement gently and respectfully while pointing out the parts you agree about before exploring what you disagree about.

4) If a close friend does something that bothers you one time and it is out of character for them, just let it go. If that friend has a pattern of behaviors that bothers you, wait until you are not actively feeling bothered, and then tell them how it makes you feel when they do that behavior (describing the behavior in objective, fact-based rather than subjective terms) and request that they try to avoid it going forward (in order to help strengthen your relationship).

5) Try to balance the amount of time you spend speaking vs. the amount of time the other person spends speaking so that it doesn’t go outside of the 40%-60% range. Note that this is an average across conversations, there are specific situations where it makes sense to do more or less of the talking (e.g., if one of you has a big story to tell).

6) When you think a nice thought about someone (and you don’t have any reason to think they wouldn’t want to hear it), tell them the nice thought. For instance, if you admire them in some way, or if they did something you really appreciate, or if you’re really looking forward to seeing them, let them know! As the saying goes, thinking something nice about someone and not telling them is like wrapping a nice present but then never giving it.

7) Don’t complain about how old you are unless you’re sure you’re the oldest person in earshot by a significant margin.

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This piece was first written on March 15, 2024, and first appeared on my website on March 27, 2024.