Breaking out of Futility Loops

September 18, 2024

Consider the quote: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein Of course, that's not the definition of insanity, and Einstein didn't say it (despite the quote often being attributed to him). For those reasons, it sounds pretty stupid. But I would argue there is something wise about the quote and that it's worth paying attention to. If we are in a situation that's deterministic and static - that is, nothing...

Creating more moments of attention

July 9, 2024

You obviously only have a certain number of hours in your life - but what's slightly less obvious is that you have a limited number of moments of attention in your life. When you pay attention to one thing, there is an opportunity cost - you could be paying attention to something else, like one of your loved ones, a meaningful project, your source of income, or a hobby you love. When you get sucked into a dumb argument online or read an upsetting news story (that will never lead you to ta...

Four extremely bad ideas that have been popular

July 5, 2024

Here are four incredibly bad ideas (that are still commonly believed): 1) That people should be judged for, blamed for, or feel shame about the behavior of their ancestors. Of course, if your ancestors did bad things, you should condemn those acts. And if you directly benefit from something bad your family member did, you should consider if you can make amends. But, logically, people cannot be morally responsible for events that they were unable to affect. This bad idea (th...

Some Signs of Harmful or Untrustworthy Relationships

November 3, 2023

Image generated by Clearer Thinking team using Adobe Express

Coauthored with the Clearer Thinking team and cross-posted from the Clearer Thinking blog. We recently conducted qualitative research by crowd-sourcing over 100 open-ended responses to the question: "What signs do you look for that help you identify people who are likely to be untrustworthy or who are likely to hurt you if they become your close friend or partner?" We thought the answers contained some insights that may help you to identify people with whom it would be risky ...

What is Lightgassing? A way we harm people by validating their false beliefs

October 1, 2023

Gaslighting, where someone causes another person to doubt their sanity or senses, can cause psychological damage. There's an opposite thing, though, that can also be damaging. As far as I know, it has no name. I call it "lightgassing" (or "light gassing"). Here, I explain how lightgassing works. Lightgassing is when one person agrees with or validates another person's false beliefs or misconceptions in order to be supportive. Unlike gaslighting, a tactic of jerks and abusers,...

Eight ways you can validate someone’s emotions in a healthy way (and four strategies to avoid)

October 1, 2023

A lot of times, when people are upset, they want their friends and loved ones to "validate their feelings." I think there is a lot of confusion about what it really means to "validate feelings," and I also believe there are both healthy and unhealthy forms of doing this validation. Healthy vs. Unhealthy Emotional Validation I would say that the main difference between the healthy validation of emotions and the unhealthy version is that the healthy version is based on genuine c...

Awkwardly Embracing Awkwardness

September 25, 2022

All else being equal, it's good to avoid creating awkwardness. But too much awkwardness-avoidance can be harmful. Lately, I've been trying to accept a bit more awkwardness (rather than reflexively avoiding it) in cases where I think doing so can produce value. Here are four areas where I'm leaning more into awkwardness: 1. When asked for feedback on a project (and I think it will fail), I'm usually tempted to focus on what I like about it. I've now become more likely ...

On Emotionally Reactive Traits: a hidden cause of drama and ruined relationships

August 13, 2022

Have you ever known a well-intentioned, kind person who had a pattern of creating interpersonal drama? I've known quite a few people like this, and they've often baffled me. Why would good people engage in behavior that systematically destroys relationships? After spending a while thinking about my past experiences with such cases, I now have a name for a cluster of traits that I believe, in at least some of these cases, help explain what's going on. I call this cluster "Emoti...

Understanding Relationship Conflicts: Clashing Trauma

April 17, 2022

Artwork by Alexander Milov | Photograph by Adam Hornyak on Unsplash

Here is a common situation that you might have noticed: close friends (or romantic partners) suddenly have their relationship explode – both people feel like the other one hurt them and that they themselves did nothing wrong. These heart-breaking and all-too-common situations can arise from a pattern we call "Clashing Trauma." It has been estimated that over 70% of adults in the world have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. Consequently, the majority of fr...

The enduring wisdom of a disabled man born into slavery nearly 2000 years ago

March 1, 2022

Imaginary portrait of Epictetus. (Imagine is in the public domain https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Epicteti_Enchiridion_Latinis_versibus_adumbratum_(Oxford_1715)_frontispiece.jpg)

This is a cross-post from my post on the Clearer Thinking blog (from March 1, 2022). The post first appeared on this site on December 3, 2022. Epictetus, born ~50AD, was a disabled man born into slavery in Phrygia (present-day Turkey). Nothing that he wrote down survives; we know about him only through the words of other scholars. But he was so wise that his ideas reverberate through society today. This article summarizes some parts of his incredible life and the impact that he had on the wo...